The Dog Ate My Boyfriend, and Other Fun Holiday Disclaimers

Well, it's that time of year again...the time when you, as a single person, are surrounded with what seems to be suddenly ENDLESS, INFINITE amounts of couples holding hands, and smiling endearingly at one another as they stroll through the mall, or eat at McDonald's, or drive cars. And while this may be charming and picturesque and cuddly and all, the trouble with it is that your relatives are seeing these VERY SAME CUTE DARLING COUPLES, so that when they see you (all by yourself) at a holiday function (such as, for example, Thanksgiving), they are more than primed, not to mention prone, to pop The Question.

Namely, "Why are you still single?"

In the interest of public service and the sanity of singles everywhere, I have spent a great deal of time--10 whole minutes, I think--considering possible answers to what has become, for many singles, the Mt Everest of Stupid Questions, and I am proud to say that I have come up with a few ideas that should help the single person to smoothly deflect any well-meaning, but annoying, attempts at deciphering the mystery of why you are not part of a Cute Couple. (If you are not single, you should probably not read this, because you'll spoil the surprise.)

I hereby offer to you my Top Five Answers to The Question, as a way of getting the simple point--"Because I just AM, ok??"--across, without resorting to heavy artillery or weapons of mass humiliation, which after all, tend to put a bit of a damper on holiday get-togethers.

1) Say, "I'm sorry, but that is top-secret information, classified under the Act of Fabrication, according to the third amendment (section A) of the Code of Non-marital Ethics, Statute #342-X71. Technically, I have to kill you now, but I'll let it pass just this once."

Sometimes the best weapon at your disposal is complete and utter confusion. And this phrase has the added bonus of making sure you have absolutely no competition for first-in-line for the food, or for dessert. I bet you won't even have to fight for elbow space at the dinner table; in fact, you just might get the whole table all to yourself! More pumpkin pie for you!!

2) Shrug airily and say, "They were out of the model I wanted when I went to the boyfriend store the other day, and I didn't care for any of the others."

I swear I am going to use this one for real. I can't wait! NB: Men, this would not be a good one to adapt to your singleness situation. It sounds much worse to say that they were out of girlfriends at the girlfriend store. I'm sorry, but sometimes life is unfair like that.

3) Look startled, then amazed as you say, "I'm--I'm single? What the--why doesn't anyone ever TELL me these things! Dammit, where's my publicist?!" Then go running out of the room.

If people don't start laughing at this, I despair of your relatives. You must find new ones, fast. NB: Don't forget to grab a piece of pumpkin pie as you dash away.

4) Pretend you have gone deaf.

This one might be a little tricky to pull off if you have seen or talked to any of your relatives recently. They are liable to say embarrassing things like, "Deaf?! Why, I just talked to you on the phone last night, you weren't deaf then!" That's when you gesture for a writing pad, and scribble down "His name is John"--er, wait. You don't need a writing pad--you're deaf, not mute! D'oh. Ok, so just make sure you pretend to read your relatives' lips as they express their incredulity, and then explain that you have a rare case of Nilaudioconfamilia deushelpmeinsis (you might have to write that down for people, actually), which has rendered you temporariily incapable of hearing, but it's being treated and you expect to be right as rain soon--tomorrow in fact, or maybe even this evening after everyone has left and you have the pumpkin pie leftovers to yourself (mmmm, pumpkin pie!).

5) Collapse into the arms of whoever asked the question, sobbing uncontrollably.

When all else fails, tears are your heavy artillery...and hey, I bet this one will get you extra pieces of pumpkin pie, with whipped cream!

Finally, as a bonus answer, I'd just like to say that "The dog ate my boyfriend" is actually pretty hilarious.

Well, now that you are armed and dangerous with the above responses, go forth and conquer! If nothing else, I am sure that use of any or all of the above answers/excuses to the question of why you are single will be cause for much hilarity and good cheer, and there is nothing wrong with adding a bit of those to the holiday mix, now, is there?

And by the way, just in case I didn't make it clear, I really really like pumpkin pie.

PS Also mincemeat.

NB: I must credit beccaline for the inspiration of this post, since it was her posting of an article about this whole topic (minus the fixation on pumpkin pie), that gave me the idea for my post. Thanks, beccaline! Looking forward to seeing you soon!