Sunday Afternoon Bad Movie Alert!

I'm absolutely delighted that one of my favorite bad movies is on TV this afternoon! Torque is the name, and really impressively bad dialogue is the game, set against a backdrop of street-bike racing that would wow you if you could see it through the tears of laughter streaming down your face while you choked on your disbelief that such an incredibly awful screenplay could actually be used for a movie that ended up in theatres (briefly).

I first saw the movie in New Zealand. Flipping through an old journal I kept at the time, I find the following insightful, if a little short, review of the film:

"Torque is one of the worst movies ever."

A succinct observation which tells me that:

a) I thought Torque was one of the worst movies ever; and,

b) I used to be a lot more economical with my words.

Anyway, here's a sample of the sort of quality verbal repartee that ensures Torque's standing as a completely forgettable cinematic experience, from early on in the film:

Street-bike punk to street-bike punkette: Nice bike.

Punkette: Nice ass. [N.B. It's unclear whether she means her own, or his.]

Punk: You got a name?

Punkette (flipping long black hair and licking her lips in a sultry manner): Yeah.

And that's the end of that scene. We never find out her name (not like it matters to the random string of scenes that loosely defines itself as "plot"), because someone gets thrown through a glass shop window just then, for no apparent reason.

It's awesome.

Another thing that makes me laugh about this movie: I really love that there is an evil villain biker guy with very bad hair (a "skullet," if you will) whose name is (I can't get over it): HENRY JAMES.

The author of the same name must be gagging in his grave.

Not only that, but honestly, couldn't they have thought of a scarier, more chilling name than "Henry" for the evil dude (overplayed to perfection by Matt Shulze, who has a penchant for playing unremarkable bad guys, as his role in Transporter proves--although at least he had better hair in that one).

If they'd asked me, I'd say, "Call him 'The Magic Shadow Killer.' (Come on, that's a great name!)

But they didn't ask me. Of course.

A shame, really.

Anyway, all this to say, try to avoid Torque if you can. It's really, really lame.

But if you need a laugh, go for it. Because it's also pretty hilarious. For example: the scene where two women on bikes are fighting and their bikes actually rear up like wild horses during the conflict. If you don't laugh out loud at that, you must have fallen asleep from all the boredom that came before. But believe me, that scene alone makes the movie priceless (as in, it can't be priced cheap enough.

And now, I leave you with this last bit of dialogue, which truly sums up Torque:

Good guy biker: I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

Good guy biker's ex-girlfriend: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I couldn't agree more.