Sunday Evening At The Movies

Question of the moment: Why is Steven Seagal so annoying?

Is it his constant squinting, even when he's in a dark room? Is it the ponytail? Is it his apparent determination to whisper gutturally like Marlon Brando, ALL THE TIME? (Which was annoying even when Marlon Brando did it, by the way.)

The reason for my cinematic ponderings is that I'm half-watching a Seagal movie called Foreigner 2: Black Dawn. And while I don't know for a fact that it is as bad as it sounds (because I'm not paying attention), I'm willing to bet that it is. Because I'm a risk-taking gambler like that. Oh yeah.

I'm really not thrilled about watching this movie, but unfortunately the pickings are awfully slim on a Sunday evening when all you have is basic cable. There's Forrest Gump, but it's almost over, and to be honest, I've never been interested in that film. I think it's boring. There, I said it. Out loud. FORREST GUMP IS BORING.

You can disagree with me if you like, but as is the case with everyone else who disagrees with me, you will be wrong.

Then there's the Oscar material on the Lifetime channel, called Roses Are For The Rich (the title alone just BREATHES quality). Here's a sample of real verbatim dialogue:

Woman: I've been calling you every day.

Man: I've been in Paris.

Woman: You're lying.

Man: You're right. (Both chortle softly.)

Ugh.

There's A Nightmare on Elm Street on AMC. No thanks, I'm home alone tonight. The Family Movie Channel is showing Toys, which it labels in the guide as "Comedy-drama." I've seen little of either comedy OR drama, let alone both, in Toys so far, unless it's in the form of Robin Williams' sartorial ensemble, which looks like he crossed a dress-suit with the inside wiring of a set of speakers. I'd describe it more, but I'm too bored.

Oh! Speaking of Robin Williams and bad movies, I was flipping channels the other day and came across something so wonderfully dreadful, I couldn't even believe it was for real. It was called (I kid you not) The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns.. It didn't actually have Robin Williams in it, but believe me, it could have. It DID feature Whoopi Goldberg, who played (as unlikely as it sounds) the leader of a group of fairies, who (I think) were in a fight with the leprechauns. Also, Randy Quaid was in it. The movie, I mean, not the fight. He wasn't a leprechaun or a fairy, but he had a little leprechaun friend who would appear out of thin air from time to time, and chat with him. A lesser human might have been freaked out by random visitations from the Wee Folk, but Randy seemed to take it in stride.

It was so weird.

Today Dreams

Today would have been really cool if I had:

1) Won the lottery.

2) Killed Leo, the Screaming Cockatiel Demon from Hell.

3) Gotten a phone call from some high-powered magazine editor telling me that they had somehow stumbled onto this blog and were so blown away by my amazing wit that they wanted me to become one of their syndicated columnists.

4) Hopped a plane back to New Zealand, for awhile.

5) Had a date with someone for the symphony.

5) Gone for a 10-mile run that resulted in the immediate loss of 20 lbs. (Even better, of course, would have been dispensing with the run, and the weight magically melting off my body anyway, but that wouldn't be realistic now, would it?)

6) Learned how to ride a motorcycle.

7) Slept in.

But in fact, none of those things happened. Sigh.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow...

She's Not Dead Yet...!

Someone asked in a comment on my last post if I died. I don't think so. I mean, I'm typing this, which is probably a pretty good sign of life. But I know I've been gone for a long time (at least, long in frogg years), so I can understand why someone might think I'd just croaked. Sorry about that.

I have been feeling a little out of sorts the past few weeks. But I'm not dead yet! I'm feeling better...

Decisions, Decisions

Today I sent off my deposit check for the master's in creative writing program at Spalding University, Kentucky.

Which means, naturally, that I am having a bad case of the "did I make the right decision?" jitters.

But don't worry, I'm entirely used to it. If I didn't have any jitters, then I'd be worried. Because that would mean that someone had sneakily replaced the real me with a robot or an extremely self-confident clone while I wasn't looking, and that would bring up all sorts of existential questions, like "Who am I?" for starters and "Do I still dislike eggplant (please oh please)?" for another.

It's all good, though. Jitters are present, and I am making my wrinkle-nosed "eeew" face at just the THOUGHT of eggplant, so everything seems to be in order. I know who I am.

I think.

Grrr.

I can't think of anything to write.

Which is ironic, considering my plans to start my master's degree in WRITING in the fall!

Sigh.

I Love Stephen Colbert

That's all.

Will She Never Learn?

Nearly 31 years old, and I still haven't figured out how to write a paper well ahead of its deadline. I have an article for my local paper due tomorrow. I did the interview over a week ago. I started writing it...tonight. Yes, I waited til the last minute, como siempre. Now all I want to do is go to bed, but I can't because I have to get this piece done!

So what am I doing? Blogging.

Obviously, I am ready for graduate school.